My Brain Hamster

Well that was fun.......

I've just come home from MRI number 4 which was a delight!

Not only do you get to go and lie in a tube for about 3/4 of an hour, but you're also asked to "keep still please," about 10 times (which for a fidget-pants is joy) and you also get the bonus of CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK BRRRRRRRR zzzzziiiip! CLANG - in no particular sequence or rhythm that you can follow or keep time with... and then there's the ecstasy of being injected with blue dye to light you up like a Christmas tree, and to finish it all off and put the bloody fairy on top of the glowing orb of twinkle, is the marvellous news that,
"We're pleased to announce that yes Ms Davies, there is something in there.... "

It was so much fun, but what truly made Clank-fest great was that one of my friends Carole came with me, which was so very sweet of her I could burst - thank you Carole xx - I took her for lunch to show my appreciation of something which can't fully be expressed with an Arboath Smokie, but she liked it and that's the main thing....joy

So, now here I am now at home feeling tired and a bit frazzled, but in no way unhappy with my news....I'm delighted to report that contrary to medical science and former projected illness that I don't have MS.
Ha! Oh if only that were the case....pah....of course I have it, but, I also now know the face of my oppressor, this my friends is what my MS looks like......(yours of course will look different, but ultimately it's gonna be a beastie)

This is the shape of my MS.
This is "Ms Marjolie" my Brain Hamster on her Wheel of Death.........

"squeak squeak squeak....weeeeeeeeeeee!" 
*in an almost silent but deafening sort of way*

Tomorrow I will call some exterminators in- Rentokil might be helpful here *gets out the yellow-pages and thumbs through* Tell you what, I'll be a monkeys uncle if I can't get this little blighter eliminated before it uses my ear as a shit-box.

Heheh....

And that, my friends, is just the way I roll. MS Scans are nothing compared to the ferocious tenacity of Ms Marjolie the Brain Hamster.......another day another turn of the rusty wheel...... x

Further to "How are you?" the end of questioning begins

Follow up to my last post "How are you?"

Excerpt of conversation starters from Monday:

(Q: Questionee. A: My answer.)


Q: "Hi, how are you?" (asked while not looking at me)
A: "YES, and then what?"
Q: "...What?"
A: "Yes, and what comes next...?"
Q: "....Um, err....how are you feeling I suppose?"

(meh, marginally better but still not meaningful, nor correct- for " I suppose " see "I don't actually give a shit about you or how you're 'feeling' " My answer -

A: "Through a series of nerve-endings which send electrical impulses to my brain."

*questionee immediately shuts the fuck up.*

"How are you?" I think will not be asked again anytime soon.
But, I won't bank on it.

"How are you?"

So....What say you......?

If you replied "Fine."  Naughty naughty and uh-uh... *inserts noise of getting answer wrong on family fortunes.*

You're not fine are you?
No, that's exactly what I thought. Except I didn't think, I just asked. But I had to ask, just like everyone does. Its the accepted standard greeting which means little; one which I shirk away from asking, and, answering as much as possible.

My point is: Just exactly how do you reply to the social construct "How are you?"  Its such a loaded question- but here we go, ready aim, fire.......

Tomorrow is Monday morning and Monday (for me) from start to finish, begins with this social construct of formality with little thought to the question - it's not a bad thing, but it's not  particularly helpful either. A well informed person, and one who you see regularly, to me, does not ask this question.

I will be asked this approximately 6 times before lunchtime tomorrow. After lunch, perhaps 3 or 4. After 10 times I might start shrieking and/or 'go postal' A snippet of humanity is shown and deftly slashed off as soon as the question has finished it's journey to your ear.

"Hi! How are you?"

(No, no no...please rethink that and ask something else. Anything else.)

Here are the options open to me, I will only choose one:

1. "Fine" (Bullshit.)
2. "Yes, how are you?" (Avoidance, redirection of vapid question.)
3. "Fucked to pieces, hunchbacked and cadaverous." (What I actually want to say, but cannot.)

So, how do you answer this?.... to your boss, to people you work with, people you have a meeting with, from DLA adviser to the person who scans your barcodes at the checkout. I've probably pointed something out which means little that we all respond to automatically, and that's my point, it's a auto-response, just like an 'out of office' message. We don't think this through.

There is nothing behind this question- it's an empty gesture, I want to ask you though - "How are you feeling today?" followed by a cuddle-question such as, "I'm making a cup of tea, would you like one?" with additional "there will be biscuits" thrown in for good measure :)

I just wished people would think a little differently on this........

By the way, my response....."I'm fucked to pieces, hunchbacked and cadaverous, my bones feel as though they might pierce my wet paper-bag-skin as soon as my body touches my soft billowing duvet, my knees are swollen like water-filled balloons and I  feel dead inside, cold and shriveled, suspended inside a cocoon of ruined self. And you?"

And that's how I will respond to this stupid fucking question.

If you are struggling to think of another way of showing empathy and genuine interest in the well being of another here are some alternative questions to start you off.

"Greetings I had some fucked up dream last night (ate too much cheese), what did you dream of?"
"How about that cup of tea? I'd offer you Gin but the sun's not over the yardarm yet."
" Ding dong lovely, you look great today, where did you get that?"

or, for some equally confusing questions (best if you ask the instant you see someone who will ask you that question, you will need to be quick):

"What disease did ham have to need to be cured?"
"Leonard Nimoy, Leonard Chohen, who would win in a fight?"
"If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?"

That should shake the tree a bit. And by God I'll be ready for anything, bring on the stupid.

URL: http://able2know.org/topic/123061-1

URL: http://able2know.org/topic/123061-1

Remote connections

Seems I've got a remote connection to everything which is happening around me.
Is this my life? It seems to be one that I look at  through a body which feels belongs to someone else and eyes that periodically rose-tint the world, or turn it grey depending on my mood.In summary: Tis hideous being in the throws of depression.
We all get it from time to time, (someone else has described his feelings of trying to choose a knife to suit his purpose) how awful MS and depression are- like a lynch mob on a witch hunt.... I'm not wallowing in it or running from it anymore, just accepting this as a monkey on my back (little bastard) who wants to pin me down and cut off my connection to all that is real, helps massively.

What I would like to do:
Undergo medical research to isolate the genes responsible, do I want to pick up the mantle of studying microbiology again?  Perhaps. But for a different reason to the one I initially undertook ('to understand') now it would be for less academic reasons and more in the way of
" I want to nail this disease." and "I want to help others even if I cannot help myself."
I need to think on this more.

What is happening:
The monkey is hanging on.
I've been promoted in my job which I cannot fully connect to, even remotely.
I am lost in the sea of mindless chatter and the age-old question which awaits me when I go in to work hovering above me like the sword of Damocles:
"How are you!?"

Things I need to think about:
How to answer that question.
What I plan to do with my half-life.
How to rekindle lost love (it's too long a story- but relationship-wise, all is not rosy)

Today I'm going to find my Christmas baubles and festive lights and deck my halls with Buddy Holly, it's not a bad thing to do when you're remote connection has failed...I'll even sing Christmas Carols at the top of my voice and wear my mittens to do everything from the washing up to typing using my beloved Remmington- am I going mad? Remote connection failing.....

Me thinks its time to wear the tin foil hat and contact my people on Mars to come get me.
"There's no place like home...." *clicks ruby heels together*