Legs 11

So, it feels like I'm all legs.

Eleven bloody legs, and not a damn one of them works properly. (Goddamit I'm an octopi officionado +3 legged crab witch.)
Another day, another tentacle for a leg. What am I talking about?! No idea. I have no idea because I have no cognitive function, or what I do have is limited to imaginations which are in my head. I have lost the ability to make conscious decisions, reasoned arguments and see eye to eye with anyone up to and including myself.

I'll meet you in the park, if I get there before you I'll write my name on the wall in chalk, if you get there before me, rub it out.

I can't walk well (2 falls in one day- typical) and I can't talk well, call me and we'll discuss.

I hope you are well enough with whatever has been thrown at you, I'll see you on the flip side.
Maybe! Stay well xx

An new update (An Actual)

Bloody buggeration, its Sprummer. (No Spring this year in Scotland just Winter then...'Sprummer') bloody fucking 'Spring'.
No beech leaves to pick till 4 weeks ago, and elderflower is only JUST out today. This is diabolical. Summer has gone tits up and next thing you know it'll be Autinter. (Yes yes keep up with my almalgamous ways, do)

The poor bees...oh poor lovely Bees.....they've been going mental- 2 days ago was the highest pollen count this year so far, Bees were at it- collecting pollen like it was going out of fashion, and Wasps...well Wasps were angry on it.
(I got stung surprise surprise, Wasp and I, well we had 'words') he was apologetic and humbly buzzed off before coming back a couple of hours later to get me right between the eyes.
"2 for the price of one bitch! I get you!"
I must stress that Wasp is not ebil, Wasp is just Wasp. I didn't squash him, i simply went my way and him, his. (the little bastard of the Hymenoptera order, if I see him again, there'll be murders *for 'murders' see "harsh words". heheh)

I'm on a forage and making of many things week, on the work side I have a massive task ahead with a capital application, and in my personal life I am having a tattoo (sleeve starter) in a few weeks from now....think Brambly Hedge and that's what you'll find- joy!
Hope you are making hay while the sun shines (and its gone in again, oop its out, umph its gone in again.....fuck a duck!

Onwards people, onwards :) x

The Masterplan

Yesterday I created "Marj's Masterplan" for 2013; a huge pictorial poster of my stages of professional development, artworks, music, foraging (in no particular order) and the steps I'll be making to ensure that 2013 is filled to the brim with new and exciting opportunities........

I've divided this year into 4, let's face it when did months and not seasons become so important? Only recently I think.
I remember as a child my life was divided between Winter-Spring-Summer-Autumn. And so it will be again.... I think we sometimes need reminding that we are part of nature, and not separate from it. And so, part of the Masterplan is being formulated around this very thing as we speak, I'm currently on "Winter" and here is what I have so far.....

Winter:
Time to plan and think creatively. Move house. Find a new job (something more intrinsic) build solidarity, reconnect with rocks, trees, green therapies, sculpture (my god, has it been that long?)

I went to Crail on a fossil investigation last week, dug out my geology hammer and reminded myself that life that is everywhere, and is more important than life in 'the office' or elsewhere within the confines of four walls. Look at this........this made me realise, the world is out there, I'd just become wrapped in superficiality (work/money/power) fuck that. No more.

Above: This is a 350m year old carboniferous tree, probably sheared by a glacier. I am in awe of this remarkable discovery. My hammer is staying out, my spirit is lifted. I have opened my boxes of fossil discoveries (ichthyosaur tooth embedded in a rock still my favourite, then the hadrosaur poo) what joy rocks bring. Winter is a time for rocks. And planning. I am a great planner, I had forgotten this too.

Where have I been?

Found some blue lias in Fife, spoke with my friend Emil (stone carver/artist/all round brilliant good egg: http://flavors.me/emilmaxthompson) about possible excavation with potential of carvings/modellings/using for pottery projects (hmm....an Elgin Marble style frieze with embedded fossilised plant potential methinks....) Lordy, I am such a geek.

Spring:

Beech Leaf Noyau will be made (what's that then?) It's a beech leaf liqueur (I'd forgotten about beech leaves, how stupid of me) which is a bit like Sake, just sweeter..... Spring will be all about nature; rocks and trees. Nettles, plantain, ransoms, mycelium trails.
I will be the queen of nature again- fact.

And that's as far as I've got, but, it's a massive start, I know one thing that this year will bring and that's all part of my Masterplan, it's all about nature and rocks. I love geology (Geology rocks! Sorry...couldn't help myself...) and as well as art which always is on my agenda, nature has moved up the charts to number 2.

I'm so excited I could burst!
It's all down the the Masterplan...........have you got a plan? Do you know where you're going? And are we there yet?

And so running out of ideas and making a parody, this is what 2013 and my Masterplan is all about:

Simple, yet effective!
Hooray..........................................................................!

My Brain Hamster

Well that was fun.......

I've just come home from MRI number 4 which was a delight!

Not only do you get to go and lie in a tube for about 3/4 of an hour, but you're also asked to "keep still please," about 10 times (which for a fidget-pants is joy) and you also get the bonus of CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK BRRRRRRRR zzzzziiiip! CLANG - in no particular sequence or rhythm that you can follow or keep time with... and then there's the ecstasy of being injected with blue dye to light you up like a Christmas tree, and to finish it all off and put the bloody fairy on top of the glowing orb of twinkle, is the marvellous news that,
"We're pleased to announce that yes Ms Davies, there is something in there.... "

It was so much fun, but what truly made Clank-fest great was that one of my friends Carole came with me, which was so very sweet of her I could burst - thank you Carole xx - I took her for lunch to show my appreciation of something which can't fully be expressed with an Arboath Smokie, but she liked it and that's the main thing....joy

So, now here I am now at home feeling tired and a bit frazzled, but in no way unhappy with my news....I'm delighted to report that contrary to medical science and former projected illness that I don't have MS.
Ha! Oh if only that were the case....pah....of course I have it, but, I also now know the face of my oppressor, this my friends is what my MS looks like......(yours of course will look different, but ultimately it's gonna be a beastie)

This is the shape of my MS.
This is "Ms Marjolie" my Brain Hamster on her Wheel of Death.........

"squeak squeak squeak....weeeeeeeeeeee!" 
*in an almost silent but deafening sort of way*

Tomorrow I will call some exterminators in- Rentokil might be helpful here *gets out the yellow-pages and thumbs through* Tell you what, I'll be a monkeys uncle if I can't get this little blighter eliminated before it uses my ear as a shit-box.

Heheh....

And that, my friends, is just the way I roll. MS Scans are nothing compared to the ferocious tenacity of Ms Marjolie the Brain Hamster.......another day another turn of the rusty wheel...... x

Further to "How are you?" the end of questioning begins

Follow up to my last post "How are you?"

Excerpt of conversation starters from Monday:

(Q: Questionee. A: My answer.)


Q: "Hi, how are you?" (asked while not looking at me)
A: "YES, and then what?"
Q: "...What?"
A: "Yes, and what comes next...?"
Q: "....Um, err....how are you feeling I suppose?"

(meh, marginally better but still not meaningful, nor correct- for " I suppose " see "I don't actually give a shit about you or how you're 'feeling' " My answer -

A: "Through a series of nerve-endings which send electrical impulses to my brain."

*questionee immediately shuts the fuck up.*

"How are you?" I think will not be asked again anytime soon.
But, I won't bank on it.

"How are you?"

So....What say you......?

If you replied "Fine."  Naughty naughty and uh-uh... *inserts noise of getting answer wrong on family fortunes.*

You're not fine are you?
No, that's exactly what I thought. Except I didn't think, I just asked. But I had to ask, just like everyone does. Its the accepted standard greeting which means little; one which I shirk away from asking, and, answering as much as possible.

My point is: Just exactly how do you reply to the social construct "How are you?"  Its such a loaded question- but here we go, ready aim, fire.......

Tomorrow is Monday morning and Monday (for me) from start to finish, begins with this social construct of formality with little thought to the question - it's not a bad thing, but it's not  particularly helpful either. A well informed person, and one who you see regularly, to me, does not ask this question.

I will be asked this approximately 6 times before lunchtime tomorrow. After lunch, perhaps 3 or 4. After 10 times I might start shrieking and/or 'go postal' A snippet of humanity is shown and deftly slashed off as soon as the question has finished it's journey to your ear.

"Hi! How are you?"

(No, no no...please rethink that and ask something else. Anything else.)

Here are the options open to me, I will only choose one:

1. "Fine" (Bullshit.)
2. "Yes, how are you?" (Avoidance, redirection of vapid question.)
3. "Fucked to pieces, hunchbacked and cadaverous." (What I actually want to say, but cannot.)

So, how do you answer this?.... to your boss, to people you work with, people you have a meeting with, from DLA adviser to the person who scans your barcodes at the checkout. I've probably pointed something out which means little that we all respond to automatically, and that's my point, it's a auto-response, just like an 'out of office' message. We don't think this through.

There is nothing behind this question- it's an empty gesture, I want to ask you though - "How are you feeling today?" followed by a cuddle-question such as, "I'm making a cup of tea, would you like one?" with additional "there will be biscuits" thrown in for good measure :)

I just wished people would think a little differently on this........

By the way, my response....."I'm fucked to pieces, hunchbacked and cadaverous, my bones feel as though they might pierce my wet paper-bag-skin as soon as my body touches my soft billowing duvet, my knees are swollen like water-filled balloons and I  feel dead inside, cold and shriveled, suspended inside a cocoon of ruined self. And you?"

And that's how I will respond to this stupid fucking question.

If you are struggling to think of another way of showing empathy and genuine interest in the well being of another here are some alternative questions to start you off.

"Greetings I had some fucked up dream last night (ate too much cheese), what did you dream of?"
"How about that cup of tea? I'd offer you Gin but the sun's not over the yardarm yet."
" Ding dong lovely, you look great today, where did you get that?"

or, for some equally confusing questions (best if you ask the instant you see someone who will ask you that question, you will need to be quick):

"What disease did ham have to need to be cured?"
"Leonard Nimoy, Leonard Chohen, who would win in a fight?"
"If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?"

That should shake the tree a bit. And by God I'll be ready for anything, bring on the stupid.

URL: http://able2know.org/topic/123061-1

URL: http://able2know.org/topic/123061-1

Remote connections

Seems I've got a remote connection to everything which is happening around me.
Is this my life? It seems to be one that I look at  through a body which feels belongs to someone else and eyes that periodically rose-tint the world, or turn it grey depending on my mood.In summary: Tis hideous being in the throws of depression.
We all get it from time to time, (someone else has described his feelings of trying to choose a knife to suit his purpose) how awful MS and depression are- like a lynch mob on a witch hunt.... I'm not wallowing in it or running from it anymore, just accepting this as a monkey on my back (little bastard) who wants to pin me down and cut off my connection to all that is real, helps massively.

What I would like to do:
Undergo medical research to isolate the genes responsible, do I want to pick up the mantle of studying microbiology again?  Perhaps. But for a different reason to the one I initially undertook ('to understand') now it would be for less academic reasons and more in the way of
" I want to nail this disease." and "I want to help others even if I cannot help myself."
I need to think on this more.

What is happening:
The monkey is hanging on.
I've been promoted in my job which I cannot fully connect to, even remotely.
I am lost in the sea of mindless chatter and the age-old question which awaits me when I go in to work hovering above me like the sword of Damocles:
"How are you!?"

Things I need to think about:
How to answer that question.
What I plan to do with my half-life.
How to rekindle lost love (it's too long a story- but relationship-wise, all is not rosy)

Today I'm going to find my Christmas baubles and festive lights and deck my halls with Buddy Holly, it's not a bad thing to do when you're remote connection has failed...I'll even sing Christmas Carols at the top of my voice and wear my mittens to do everything from the washing up to typing using my beloved Remmington- am I going mad? Remote connection failing.....

Me thinks its time to wear the tin foil hat and contact my people on Mars to come get me.
"There's no place like home...." *clicks ruby heels together*

You say Shit I say Shite

My surname is Davies. Davies with an ‘E’


(Please try and remember this.)

Yonks and yonks ago,  through uni I subscribed to a US based medical trial thingie, for information aimed at people with disabilities, which gave you latest cutting- edged-scientific-updates in digital format.

It had the tantalising promise of genetic sequencing information, in depth neuroscientific evaluations of current treatments and their effect on motor function at my fingertips, as well as 3d mapping of MRI scans and the opportunity to speak with real people who study the field of neuroscience, microbiology (right up my strasse) and microbiology (perfection.) to have contact with experts in MS through their scientific network was a joyus moment and this my friends, was the future of understanding, collaboration, one-to-one-ness with our fellow MS'ers AND experts of the highest standing in cellular biology at the immunological level! Experts in technology, contactable professionals?
Wow!
Amazing, I thought, I might actually finally get to say fabulous words like 'endoplasmic reticulum' and 'histocompatibility complex' without being stared at blankly.
(Yeah that's right baby I studied microbiology, I know stuff.)

So I'd be signed up for clinical trials, and be free of MS asap (Hooray)

I think back to the first phone call I received asking me if I was happy to be placed on their now shortened waiting list as an MS RRMS 'guinea pig' - "holy crapola!" I thought...No kids, unmarried, skint, dangerously opportunistic, "what's not to love?" A perfect golden opportunity for the right person. Ch-Ching!

The end of phone call for my medical sign up went something like this
" Just need to check the form now- So that's MISS Marjolie Davey?"
"Yes and No," I say, "That's Ms Davies, Davies with an 'E' "
"With an 'E'?"
"Yes With an 'E', and Ms not Miss."
"Ms? Like the letters MS."
"Yes"
"So that's Ms with an 'E' ?"
"YES. Davies- with an 'E'"
"Ok, no problem, congratulations you're now on our list, we have your name, address, phone number and email. We'll let you know when to clinical trial begins with two weeks notice to book flights and that sort of thing. Get back in touch with our experts if you have any problems."
"Ok, great thanks so much."
"You're welcome!" (and possibly) “Have a nice day!” (doubtful, been watching too many films..)

2 weeks later no phone call… 3 weeks, 4 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months,  nothing.

Then, just a week ago I received more junk mail as usual which I didn’t take straight to the bin, but instead opened (just for the hell of it- I was feeling frivolous) it was a NOTICE OF CANCELLATION (in bold, red type) which told me why these superior scientific microbiologically talented geniuses hadn’t been in touch with me, and why I’d never received an scrap of news from them.

The letter had been addressed to a MS Mavis Withanee

So then........ What’s my name again?

I'd just like to say:
Experts of the highest standing in cellular biology at the immunological level in the fields of MS with advanced technology, and contactable professionals?
What a load complete and UTTER Shit.
That's shit. (With an 'E' if you like)

Massive Squirrels

The Massive Squirrels are at it again today whizzing round and round inside my head on their treadmill of doom.

(For those in the know, 'Massive Squirrels' are a symptom of MS. Which is often (and mistakenly) called "Multiple Sclerosis".
('Sclerosis' means Scars, and 'Multiple' means, as you know, Many.) 
So, in conclusion: There are many scars where should be none, and there are Massive Squirrels where there should be soft spongy Marshmallow pockets of superior genius. And we are fucked because of this, but there is hope for us, and we March Sporadically onwards towards our final destination, we're all going to the same place folks- and lucky for us we'll get the best tables with a great view before you've even booked your room at the Grat Hotel in the Sky- yeah yeah sometimes its not great (akin to being on a giant rollercoaster- there are big dips, twisty bends, sickeningly sharp inclines and plunging downward spirals.) It can make you sick, but then, for me, that's where the fun begins.... When I feel sick I climb back on just for the hell of it - I also like to take a pocket-full of nuts and bolts with me and hand them to the person sitting in front, just before we begin the next slalom along with the line
"Hey man, these just came out of your seat."
*cackle*

Massive Squirrels crack nuts inside your skull, leave the shells everywhere, and, just because they can, they thoughtfully leave a nugget of shit in your eye socket just as a reminder of their furry annoyance which doth run amok in the House of Marjolie. Why I oughta! *shakes fist*

Anyway, also presiding over today's proceedings for me are - the Magnanimous Shakespeareans (with many a blah blah BLAH all-the-live-long day), the Misanthropic Sausages (greedy fat bastards who want to eat all the time), and the ever present Megalithic Scandinavians, (who rampantly pillage your nerves and give you the infamous "spazz hands." before clocking you one in the crown jewels.)

("Spazz hand" occurs in my left only which is a relief for a righty pseudo artist. The right hand would strangle the left if it were not also controlled by Misguided Stormtroopers who fire random shots at nothing in particular in a fruitless bid to foil the rebellion.)

For non MS'ers or (' the jaundiced healthies' as I like to call them- maybe more on that later..) These foibles are formed by defunct Myelin Sheaths which are supposed to ward off MS invaders (i.e My Self) ....fuck a duck! So it all starts and ends with MS?
You bet your sweet ass it does.
Welcome to the world of the unfavourable, the pithy and the fearless. MS for us rules the waves in the sea of normality, much like our beloved Queen does (or at least tries to). Freddie Mercury, for the record is the only Queen that rocks my world, sorry Lizzie s'nuffin' personal 'cept Freddie Rocks it and you do diddly-squat.

So, this isn't a blog full of doom and gloom, quite the polar opposite in fact, because no matter how shit you think life is, it can't be all that bad- I'm here wittering away to myself in the vain hope that one or two people will be compelled to  say "Fuck this Shit" and hopefully  ( and with slighty more articulation)

"This bollockery does not define me.One simply won't have it."

No, one will not, what does define me though are the brain hamsters and the massive squirrels who use my frontal lobe as a nesting box.
Welcome to my world, please wipe your feet on the way in, i'll stick the kettle on, you take your clothes off and we'll just skip all the formalities 'k?

Oh if only life were that simple.

The Doodle is upon me

I've been going doodle mad lately, some of them are just plain stupid and some are (without blowing my own trumpet) quite excellent. I've been sharing my doodles for a while now and have just found out that people actually like them, anyhoo I haven't been here in ages but i'm about to post some stuff in the next few days which i'm hoping you'll like (or comment on either way!)

I just found my old college botanicals from when I was studying fine art that i'll post on here too soon enough, for now have a few small doodles to tide you over....


(Above) Ah the misery days, when the man could do nothing right (except for get on my wick of course)




(Above) Everyone loves cake right? Of course...goes without saying



(Above) And finally, something I've always known to be true. Do not let egg-box shape fool you. Tis a conspiracy by egg-box manufacturers to keep eggs spherical.
True.

Marj, plastered again

Plaster casting...so icky messy and fun.

I love it, it's been a few months but now i've graduated onto pastures new with multiple casting for people other than myself (practising on yourself is extremely difficult- right hand casting of a right hander means you have to hold bits... wif your teef nd den- thitck that dit dere... while it all sets..phew) Plus my nails are quite long, so I had to stuff them up with blue tack (much more difficult now as they've started bending (woot) think Flo-Jo and you're halfway there)

I've put my right hand forward as a first cast on the plaster sweet trolley:

"Snap"

As this was the first ever casting, I didn't expect the rings to come out well, but the thumb ring looks great, a little bit of work and the little finger ring was finished off soon after....so, my reaction to plaster casting first time:

"Congratulations, the job's yours"


Gee thanks...

Oh boy, little did I know what I was letting myself in for....

I will be putting instructions on here as I go along and lists of material etc, I will soon be working on my first set of hands for two people, who are *gasp* paying me, which is all rather exciting.
I'm also tampering with latex again and have recently made my first set of molds for a cold porcelain project which again, i'll give instructions to...masks are planned, objects have been dipped and dried, things are being considered (cue evil laugh) and someone has stepped up for the first total head cast.... next week (eeepers)

I'll post with more soon, for now- its the weekend and i'm off to get plastered.
Arf.
Marj

Mini Marj (painty painty splashy splashy)

Eeepers...
Found a baby pic of me knocking around in the dusty room of oblivion ... just about sums it up really, bit of photshoppery here, colouring in there and hey presto- I imitate art.
(Cotton tarn it.)

(Note to self- get a halter backed dress and white sandals, it's ssso this year.)
Anyone got any cute baby-self pics they wanna share? Lovely life imitating art pics really welcome!
(Please post as i'm both nosey and broody)
Nice combo.

Marjie Paint Pot- age 3 mybe

The Egg Blog

Wooties! My first post!
Its the Egg Blog- yay

Two people I know and love, Tommo and Bela recently got married in what can only be described as the perfect wedding; a sunny day, on top of a hill, in a hand-fasting ceremony...but what to get a wedding present for two musical birds? (Cellist & Guitarist)

An Egg.
A Nest Egg. Couldn't find one I liked, so made one.....

May I present The Nest Egg (with two musical birds in the branches)
Wooters
Marj
x

(I used plaster, enamel spray, acrylic paint, gold outliner, oil paint, varnish)


First pics missing :( boo hiss
1.Plaster the egg (instructions TBP (To be posted) spray with enamel paint, I liked black, then paint with white acrylic paint (you can draw a faint outline in pencil as a guide)

2. I made the mistake here of then colouring the vines & birds with oil paint- no no no! what a mistake! Carry on with acrylics as the oil paint takes aaaaggges to dry! Still the colours are more vivid with oil, so chance it if you want to!

1 & 2
















3. Here I tried oil paint and acrylics for the flowers, you'll need a few colour reds
I used: Scarlet, Crimson, Burnt Sienna, Raw Sienna, & Vermillion- nice mix!















3 Minutes later and 4 (below): and the Egg is done! (Hard Boiled eggie yum yum)

Gold outliner to finish the job (steady hand required, or wobbly line look!)














Here endeth the Egg- yummas (soldiers optional)